Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Tales

Tomorrow the dead shall rise from their graves and walk the streets asking for sugary sweets. I will not be among them, however, I would like to relate to you some of the events that have occurred on Halloween along with my plan to scare the bejesus out of any and all passerby.

I have always enjoyed Halloween, but only in small quantities (not referring to candy, large quantities of that are fine).
My house lends itself well to being haunted. Large, imposing, and quite old, we have bats that sometimes fly in through the cupola. When my sister is around and there is some initiative we decorate the front of the house with a plethora of decorations including spiderwebs, skeletons, hundreds of miniature plastic spiders, bats, and ghosties. As my sister is currently away in college, there are no decorations this year. Which is okay, cause it means my dad and I don't have to man the door tomorrow night.

People always think that kids will get sick from all the candy they aquire but here's my tip for keeping the kids from going to too many houses. Make thier costumes large, bulky, and warm. They'll give up after three blocks. Cruel yes, but effective. I made the foolish choice one year of bringing a large wooden staff with me. Far too heavy, I didn't go nearly as far as I could have without it.

Speaking of which, I recall one year I was out trick-or-treating with my friends and they were all much faster than I in their lighter costumes. They sprinted on ahead and I ended up being a house behind. I came up to one door huffing and puffing and the woman there asked if I was with the group that'd just left, I said yes and she took pity on me and gave me the largest candy bar I've ever seen. A Crunch bar no less, my favorite. The last shall be first!

Now, what I really want to talk about in this post is my genius plan. I came up with it on my own, but I know of only two other people who have had the idea other than me. Anyway, here's my plan. When I die, I don't much care whether I'm buried whole or I'm cremated, what I care about is my grave marker. I don't want some giant obelisk or anything, I want a hologram. I want my image projected either into the air or onto my grave marker with a nice greenish tint. With solar power and a motion sensor, I plan to greet every passerby with my glowing visage. Maybe even add a few sound clips. "BOO!" or "Lovely weather isn't it? Actually I can't tell, six feet under and all. Hope you're doing well!" or maybe "FINALLY! Some company! I tell ya, all the folks round here are deadbeats." The possibilities are endless. A man has already filed for the patent unfortunately, but I think I had the idea around the same time. I have to give ultimate credit to Joss Whedon though, as he used holographic graves in his movie "Serenity" which is coincidentally the greatest movie ever made (I'll try and find a photo of the graves later). Go watch Firefly, the series, then watch Serenity. I'll talk more about them another day.

If going holographic isn't your thing maybe you'd like to try out a different method of disposing of your body after death. How about turning it into a diamond? That's right, a diamond. The folks over at LifeGem do it for a living. They'll take your cremated ashes and compress them into man-made diamonds of the same quality as naturally occuring ones. I can picture in the future a conversation like the following being commonplace.

"So, what's your family history?"
"Oh, here, let me show you. This one here on my index finger is my great-grandfather Steve. He was a plumber. And this is Aunt Gertrude, she always loved purple. I think I lost Uncle Dan down the sink last week though."

I will both enjoy and fear those conversations. Something about "wearing" your ancestors is just bizzare.